. with all my heart and soul.”We heard the train making noises, so she ran to hop on just before the conductor pulled the steps up.“I love you,” she shouted one more time while waving.I threw her a kiss. “I love you too,” I shouted back, as the southbound Amtrak pulled away. I still remember the excruciating feeling of loneliness I felt while walking back to my car. A couple of times, I had to wipe tears from my eyes. I told myself I’d have to get used to watching her leave like that. That’s what I get for falling in love with someone who wanted to become a movie star.It’d been her dream since we first met in high school. She starred in all the school plays and was accepted into the Meisner Technique Actor’s Studio, after graduation. It wasn’t long before she rose to the top of her class there too.She was only in her second local theater production when a producer who was sitting in the audience sent word after the play that he wanted to see her. I was back stage with Sue when he told. She started laughing. Now I don't want any of this to soundlike I blame her for of my problems as it would have been the normalreaction to seeing a boy dressed as femenine as the most girly girl. Mom, Iunderstand and your reaction was not your fault. The fault was all mine when I didn't tell you how I felt about wanting,wishing, praying that I would wake up one day as I felt I was inside. Eversince then I thought that if I didn't keep my thoughts a secret that i woudbe laughed at, scorned, or critisized. This is one instance that I let myfears get the better of me. I tried do hard to just fit in but it was to no avail. It was as if I wasin the middle of a step and just past the point of no return I found outthat I had ran out road falling flat on my face. I tried to just forgetabout it and was successful from my freshman year till age 24. It was amistake that nearly cost me my life on more that a few occaissions. Durringall that time I put up a wall and for those years I felt that.
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